…this is a true story!
Got back to the office… everyone was asking me. Where’d you go for lunch?” I said. “Just down to the corner.” “How was it?” I said. “Oh, it was a once in a lifetime lunch.”
Then walked back to my office, closed the door, and thought to myself… if they only knew what I meant by “once in a lifetime.”
I will share with you what happened. Some stuff you just can’t make up.
Just remember this for later that I never carry cash… not even a dollar bill.
So here goes…
It was a Wednesday. I was at work. Things were going pretty well. Right about 11am I started thinking about lunch.
My usual deal was to get out of there around 11 or so and come back a little after 1 pm. A 2 hour lunch is nothing when you work 14 hours a day.
So there I was…thinking about what to have for lunch.
I decided on a giant Chimichanga. Down the road there was a kind of funky TEX MEX burrito place where you could go in…order… from the window… and your lunch was served at the table a few minutes later. Easy enough. Quick. Tastes great every time.
I went there often so I knew that if I didn’t get movin’ I would be standing instead of sitting.
Got there. Parked. Got in line. Ordered my Chimi. Paid with an American Express card since I don’t (remember?). Took my receipt and parked it at a high top over in the corner.
While I was waitin’ for my lunch, I went up to the salsa counter and grabbed a bunch of these….
There was a salsa and hot sauce bar. You had your pick of salsa ranging from VERY, VERY HOT to SWEET.
The tastiest thing to do was mix the extremes. I did this every time I went there. I mixed the super, super, hot, hot, hot, habanero salsa with the Thai sweet chili salsa.
Together they made beautiful music.
Got back to my table. The place was starting to fill up.
In fact, a couple of young ladies sat down next to me.
Same high top just one over.
They were all…
And, of course the guys around her table were all….
I did notice but tried to not pay attention…
Boom! My chimi hits the table and I am ready to eat!
So I figured the first thing was to keep my shirt clean.
I reached across the table and tried to pull a napkin out of the…
You know that when a place first opens the salt and pepper shakers are FULL…
… and the napkins are crammed so tightly into the dispenser and that makes it difficult to get a napkin out.
When you pull out one napkin you get all of them at the same time because they are jammed in there so tightly.
I wasn’t really paying attention. I pulled one out and didn’t get very far. So I yanked.
Now the entire napkin dispenser is 6 inches off the table and hanging by the one napkin that still won’t come out.
Finally, the napkin comes out. Well no, let’s say the napkin dispenser couldn’t defy gravity any longer and it dropped to the table leaving me with a napkin in my hand.
Except… the rest of the jammed packed full napkin dispenser landed on the
which was full of…
As the jam packed with napkins napkin dispenser landed on the table it landed directly on top of the hot sauce in the paper cups.
The weight of the napkin dispenser crushed the paper cup with the super, super, hot, hot, hot habanero salsa. (To give you some idea… chop up a bunch of habaneros then rub your eyes.. no, don’t do that.)
Do you know what a dollop is? Picture in your mind about a tablespoon of this super, super, hot, hot, hot, habanero salsa.
That’s a dollop. Now, dollops don’t usually fly…but this dollop did. Imagine stepping on a tube of toothpaste. Get the idea?
The dollop of hot sauce shot out of the paper cup.
Dollops that go up must land somewhere right?
My particular dollop landed one table over.
Remember the girl with the whale tail? She was sitting with her back to me.
The dollop made a direct hit on the girl’s back. That’s right, the dollop landed on the small of her back. Directly on her bare skin just above her whale tail.
Before anyone knew what happened, the habanero dollop ran down the small of the girl’s back.
Yes, the super, super, hot, hot, hot, habanero salsa quickly disappeared behind what was visible of the girl’s WHALETAIL underwear. (the fashion was to have the whaletail sticking out of the top of low cut jeans)
OK! Let’s review. This means the hot sauce that shot out of the paper cup landed on her back and is now trickling down between her butt cheeks.
Once she realized she was on fire down there. Well, she turned around.
She turned around and looked at me.
kinda like this…
She had no idea it was the super, super, hot, hot, hot, habanero salsa…
Then her friend, who also had no idea what happened was all like…
keeping in mind she too, the friend, had no idea what happened. She was just mad because her friend looked shocked.
This all transpired in a split second. The girl with the whaletale couldn’t see what happened… but she could FEEL the super, super, hot, hot, hot, habanero salsa run from the small of her back down between her butt cheeks. (Habanero oil stings and burns…fyi)
WHALETALE then turned around and gave me a…
If looks could kill… WHALETALE sat there for a moment. She was stunned.
Not to mention her womanly underthings were awash in the super, super, hot, hot, hot, habanero salsa.
I think she had trouble processing it… (er… I mean, figuring what was making her so uncomfortable.)
Was this a joke? An accident? One thing for sure… she was on fire down there.
All because of me.
WHALETAIL gets up and heads to the ladies room. I got the full death stare as she passed me on the way. Squinted eyes and all. She was in there about 10 minutes. Now I am face to face with her friend. Her friend has no idea what is going on but opened a can of Stink Eye with my name on it. Stink eye doesn’t even begin to describe the look on her face. She was sure I did whatever I did on purpose and she was not backing off.
I thought… this probably is not the time for a “hey, hey, baby! and a wink” or a “Hi YOU doin?” I have never seen this woman before in my entire life, I also decided not to knock on the ladies room door for a quick… ” Babe you alright? Babe, Need help? C’mon, open the door, you OK babe?”
My thoughts were racing. What could I do to solve this?… I quickly reviewed my options and couldn’t come up with anything workable. I have no cash on me so I can’t give WHALETAIL a $20 for dry cleaning… Since the lunch was paid for a the counter, I couldn’t pick up her check…I happened to be wearing a company shirt… so she could find me later… Woe is me.
I settled for a sheepish, “I hope she is okay” with a weak smile to the friend as a way to make peace and got a continuous laser beam of stink eye aimed at my forehead until WHALETAIL returned to, oh, I think I mean…waddled and squished, back to the table.
They were both very quiet…
So now I’m standin’ there goin’, “Yoo Hoo! Excuse me! I didn’t even take a bite of my chimichanga yet!”
I figured, this wasn’t going to get better by itself. I believe in being bold in the face of danger.
I decided to abandon my lunch and stop at their table. I asked WHALETAIL if she was ok. She ignored me. NO sense of humor!
I said how sorry I was and that it was an accident. I said I never imagined something like this could happen. She wasn’t interested.
I decided to be bigger than the problem so didn’t even blame gravity.
I didn’t even say how good of a shot it was. OR… that a shot that good could NEVER BE REPEATED. Then wondered why ESPN is never around when you need them. No SportsCenter TOP 10 Plays of the Day for me tonight.
Nope. WHALETALE didn’t even look up at me. I figured she was afraid to look deep into my dreamy green eyes? Yes they’re dreamy so I can understand.
Her friend, the prosecuting attorney of Chimichanga County, looked liked she was going to strangle me.
I took a breath, then headed for the door.
Ok. I admit, I was a little proud of the shot…ok… a lot.
I left thinking…
Just hope my car starts.